THE POSTSCRIPT, Carrie Classon
I’ve always known I was lucky when it came to family.
I saw classmates who had impossible siblings, and I knew my curly-headed younger sister was a catch. I knew people who really hated spending time with their parents, and I always had fun with mine — and I still do.
I grew up with 36 cousins, 34 of whom were on my mother’s side. It was a lot easier to keep track of my father’s side of the family, but I always felt somehow rich, having so many cousins spread over so much of the country.
When I married, I acquired another family, a boisterous Catholic family who laughed and drank and cussed more than my own. I immediately loved my mother-in-law who stayed up well past midnight with me, discussing big ideas, and my father-in-law who would listen in for a few minutes, shake his head and say, “I’m going to bed!”
When I divorced, one of the hardest things to accept was that I was going to lose this family I had been given in marriage, a family I had grown steadily closer to for more than 22 years. But that turned out not to be the case.
I’ve now been divorced and remarried for many years, and those former in-laws are still my family. It was their choice, of course, and possibly not an easy one — to remain close to a former daughter-in-law or sister-in-law. But my former mother-in-law, who has since passed, set the tone and let me know I’d always have a place in her heart, and her children followed suit. And I know I am enormously lucky.
Last week, I got to spend time with a couple of them. My former brother- and sister-in-law, Jason and Mandy, came to visit and celebrate their birthdays, and once again, I was reminded of how fortunate I was. My husband, Peter, went hiking with Jason and, as usual, met some friends on the way.
“Was it awkward, introducing Jason to friends?” I asked.
“No, he just introduced himself as your former brother-in-law,” Peter said. It was not a big deal — not to Peter, not to Jason, not to anyone.
But it is a big deal.
It is a very big deal for me to still have a strong relationship with these people I love, after the loss of a marriage changed the landscape. I have lost some good friends in the past, and I still feel those losses. To lose an entire family would be terrible. And I have not.
We did not spend much time together. I was busy with a writers’ conference and had less time than I would have liked. But when we were together, we shared funny stories of things we had done years ago, stories of things we are doing today, and stories from our childhoods, before we even knew one another. Of course, my ex-husband was woven into many of these stories, but so were people who had died — Mandy’s wonderful husband, my father- and mother-in-law. Circumstances constantly change. But love survives.
More than ever, I realize how lucky I am when it comes to family. And I also realize how little biology or legalities have to do with what makes a family. We need people in our lives who know our stories from the past and are interested in our stories today. We need people who share our old jokes that other people won’t ever fully understand. We need people who can accept us, along with the changes that are always a part of life — and remain family.
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